I find myself wanting to write this to myself at least five times a day.
I guess sometimes you’re up and sometimes you’re down, and for some reason, we seem to have forgotten that that’s OK.
THE VICIOUS TALE CHASING DOG
Let’s say you have low self-esteem and a general self-loathing about yourself. You believe everything you do sucks and that you’re more or less screwed in life. Wanting to stop believing such things only serves as more evidence of how screwed up you are. After all, if you weren’t such a fuck up, you wouldn’t have to spend all day wishing you didn’t feel like a fuck up, would you?
It’s a lovely paradox. In external aspects of one’s identity, desire is useful. Want to have better relationships in your life? Set a goal, then go out and achieve it. Want to start a business? There are measurable checkpoints you can reach, you just have to want it enough.
But wanting to stop being anxious and stop procrastinating on those goals? Well, then wanting to stop being anxious about them is like chasing your tale, it’s only going to make you more anxious.
THE KICK-IN-THE-SHIN OF SELF-ACCEPTANCE
Self-acceptance is the way out of the vicious circle from hell, but it’s counter-intuitive. A complete catch 22; accepting that you’re just not a happy person and you’re always going to feel a little off around other people will begin to make you feel more comfortable and less anxious around others. You won’t judge yourself and you’ll then feel less judged by them as well. Speaking this out loud helps!
Accepting that you have a tendency to feel incompetent and that some people are just way better at certain skills than you and that’s fine will, ironically, make you a better at connecting with people and more accepting person.
After all, some of the most important people in history were failures at most things.
Many of us are inundated with so much information at all hours of the day that it’s easy to get a skewed vision of society. Everyone else is fit. Everyone else is happy. Everyone else is successful. Everyone else is getting dates and having sex. Everyone else is living their dream. Everyone else is book acting gigs. But for some reason, you’re not.
Fuck you Zoidberg. I’m working on it!
What sells on The WWW (world wide web), social media, and on TV gets passed around the internet are seemingly the exceptional situations, the easy solutions, the magic pills for perfection. It’s human nature to always look for perfection or for something greater and better than ourselves.
The problem is that when you’re constantly presented with something greater and grand than yourself over and over and over again, 24/7, all days of the week, it’s easy to interpret that there’s something wrong with you.
(And I’m not talking about that stupid documentary “The Secret”)
Somehow/ someway- the self-help industry is a culprit. Ironically, you can eliminate all sadness and fear; you can be popular and loved by everyone; anyone can get rich and be successful and retire to a beach at age 35!
It’s just not true. But that’s what the self help industry pushes.
I just met a guy that recently was released from prison. He’s 35 and he’s now in a halfway house. He’s on probation with 30 cents to his name. The self help industry would tell him “It’s okay…. because your mind is reality. Just believe that you’re a millionaire on a beach sitting with a lime in your corona and all your problems will vanish.”
I am not going to bring piss to the party and pretend it’s beer. But honestly, we need to be more practical. We need be realistic with our circumstances. You can say “Logan, dude I’m gonna call you out and say your wrong because I get down and depressed when I think about my circumstance.” And I’m going to acknowledge you and rebuttal with “acknowledge it. And attack your problems.”
Right now, your probably one of the 9 people that actually read my posts. For me this is my reality. I’m not going to lie to you and say “I’m totally with this.” But I will say “I’m not going to be delusional and pretend I have millions of followers.”
On the flip side I need to “Be okay.” Be okay with this and be consistent with posts.
(Okay, rant to self, officially over.) Back to you.
IMPERFECTION: WELCOME IT AS IF IT WAS YOUR SEXY VAMPIRE FANTASY
We’re all flawed creatures. And that’s OK.
I’ve come to accept that meeting new people is always going to take conscious effort for me. I’ve improved though. This social anxiety happens to a lot of writers and over analytical people. It’s a feature of us intellects. This doesn’t define us though. We may be inside of our heads 99.67 percent of the time. But with a little effort and strength to being more out going and social is a problem you can look forward to attacking. Like The sexy blood sucking vampire you wish was in your right now; take bite at a time. Try and reach out to just one person an hour a day. And just call them and ask them a few questions. If you don’t have anyone to talk to on the phone. Then join a Facebook group. Something that interests you and start sharing funny memes or comment. Sooner or later you’ll start becoming more social.
AGAIN, it comes down to SELF ACCEPTANCE
For me I’ve accepted that even though my relationship with my family has improved a lot in the past 10 years, it’s never going to be great. And that’s fine.
I’ve learned that commitment — romantic or otherwise — will always make me a little bit uncomfortable. I’ve worked hard and overcome a lot of my irrational fears surrounding it, but I’m just never going to feel completely at ease with it. And that’s OK too.
See even Neil Degrasse is saying “Okay”
Warning: You are now entering: TRUTH CITY
Emotional issues never completely go away.
Weirdly enough our biggest problems make us stronger. This is probably not news to you. Most people feel insecure about their sexuality at some point. Everyone has family problems. Many people grow up in abusive situations. Tons of people have low self-esteem and dependency issues. Almost everybody wishes they were more successful and more motivated.
Don’t get me wrong, this is not an excuse to do nothing about your problems. It just means that you should are capable of picking the the problem of trying to be perfect and tell it to fuck off. Do it daily. I try. One way to say “fuck you perfection” is by saying “I’m okay.” You never will be. But but at least your exercising a little bit. Writing a little bit. Speaking to someone who looks down and out a little bit. Acting a little bit by Performing a monologue from of your mirror. Going to the comedy club once a week and seeing who’s on stage so you too can get on stage.
DON’T BE A VICTIM
Emotional issues never completely go away.
There’s an old Buddhist adage: “You are already perfect as you are, yet you can always be better.”
Perfection is not some endpoint you achieve, but rather the process of improvement itself. Take this seriously. What process has been working for you? And what process hasn’t? Does the process of going in a store and buying shit that you need really a piece of the process to make you feel better? I’m just getting you to think about this.
The thing is- no matter how much you improve yourself and your life, there will always be room for more growth and less suffering. There’s no final goal. The perfect self we all envision does not actually exist. As a man much wiser then me once said, Ranats Suzuki, “There comes a point where no longer care if there’s a light at the end of the tunnel or not. You’re just sick of the tunnel.” It never ends. So change your tunnel if you hate it that much. What changes is your acceptance of your place in the process.
My process for having less anxiety and depression is by saying the following.
“I suck at this, but that’s OK. As long as I’m working on it, it’s OK.”
Comment below and let me know what you’re allowing yourself to just suck at and “Be Okay” with.