Do you struggle to find meaning in your life? Are you overworked and constantly broke? Do you wish you had better relationships? Do you wish that you just had a nicer smile? A better body? A longer fuse and more tolerance for patience?

What if I told you that you could solve all of your life’s problems and live a life full of abundance and freedom while surrounded by friends and loved ones? What if I told you it was easy and you could even get started right now? I bet you’re saying to yourself, “that’s sounds way to god to be true.”

Well, it’s not. Actually, it’s simple, pretty much anybody that’s living and breathing can do it.

All you have to do is start a cult!
Yupp, you heard me. I said Cult. Well I wrote cult. But nevertheless. You too can start your very own cult, TODAY, and begin reaping the benefits of the hundreds of mindlessly devoted followers who will follow you with unconditional adoration, gifts and possibly sexual favors.

Kiss money problems, goodbye. No more stress or feeling overworked. No more loneliness. And you definitely won’t be lacking in the love-life department.

And the best part? It’s free!
No four year long degree or BS Gen Ed classes, you can start your very own cult today.

Don’t believe me? Here, I’ll start one right now.

Try me.


All cults are based on some sort of faith in something being true, regardless of the evidence. So lets say, we choose a subjects that involve deities and promises of the impending apocalypse and/or salvation, because seriously, nothing gives people a mental orgasm more than thinking the end of the world is coming and they’re one of the chosen few to survive it.

But to be honest, you can probably start a cult around almost anything. Philosophy, political causes, conspiracy theories, gender norms, gender abnormalities, teams, nutritional fads, animal rights, space exploration, the immorality of masturbation, the creation inflation of everyone steals and even the new definition of true beauty.


All that matters is that you are making a major life/death statement which cannot be easily proven or disproven.

For sake of example today, I’m going to start a religious cult (because let’s be honest, those are the most fun). Let’s say that there is a gigantic Tube nosed Bat who lives in a distant nebula. This Bat birthed earth a few million years ago and maintains contact with us every couple millennia to help prevent the human race from destroying itself.


Now this is where it gets fun: The Bat has recently chosen me as THE ONE.

Can you believe it? ME!


Yeah, I know you’re surprised. I wanna punch that face too sometimes. But let’s just pretend that I’m a high rolling BAD ASS.

Because not only am I The Bats chosen one, but The Great Bat has shared some news with me. Yeah…. so this is happening… yet humanity can be saved and live on. I hold the cheat codes in order to unlock the The World from falling apart.

Good luck proving me wrong all of you skeptics that have been living the story of “everything is a conspiracy.” Yeah 911 was set up by the Government.

“Well, it was…..”


Now that your cult has a few core followers, you need to figure out a way to protect yourself from the inevitable criticism that will come your way.

Now what do you do? Bring on the beliefs that invalidate anything that contradicts the belief. It’s all about paradoxes.

For example:

If you criticize the war, then you must support the terrorists. Therefore, your opinion is invalid.
* God created evolutionaists to test our faith in the face of hard times. Therefore, anything that contradicts the Bible is merely a test of faith.
* Anyone who criticizes self help is obviously a Know-it-all and needs to look in the mirror once in a while to realize that they’re literally pissing out lies they tell themselves.

You get the idea.

Remember the Great Bat?

Well, in the Church of the Great Bat we’ll introduce a belief that all humans are biologically self-hating, self-destructive beings, and the only way to cleanse ourselves of our self-hatred is to accept the Cleansing Grace of The Great Bat.


* Support for The Great Bat means; You love your humanity and you love yourself.
* Criticism for The Great Bat means; you hate humanity and yourself.
So what direction are you swinging in?


Now that you have built an ideology that’s immune to criticism, it’s time to go out and find your tribe.

It’s human nature that people are most impressionable when things are at an all time low in their lives. Hell, whenever I’m down. Which is 99.9 percent of the time. I can see a man washing cars for a living with a huge smile on his face and think “that’s what I’ll do. Open up a car wash and hire super happy people.”

The sad and unfortunate truth is that it’s really easy to convince yourself of, well, just about anything when you want to really believe in your own idea.

This is how Dictators work and have been taking advantage of this for centuries.

It’s best to start preaching your message to people whose lives suck the most. The poor. The outcasts. The abused and forgotten. There’s a reason all of the major religions in the world have a history of sending missionaries to the poorest and most destitute corners of the globe: people in desperate need are in desperation for well, advice.

As much as I hate to admit it the self-help industry took off among the disgruntled middle-class youth of the 50s and 60s who felt there was something deeply wrong with the world (it may have had something to do with the constant threat of nuclear annihilation, who knows?).

Famous fascist dictators such as Hitler rose to power off the backs of the desperate masses in countries recently wrecked by war.

Anyways- If you’re unhappy with your life in any way, if you feel confused or alone, if you’re depressed or anxious or lonely or broke or undersexed, allow me to suggest to you the Cleansing Grace of The Great Bat who can show you how to transform your natural self-hating nature to find everlasting peace and harmony on earth.

Here, have a pamphlet. And a back rub. And come to our free introductory class on Thursday night. We’ll have free coffee and donuts. We may lock you in a freezing conference room for twelve hours and scream at you until you finally agree with me. But trust me, it’s for your own good. Oh yeah, and taking notes is highly prohibited and against the rules. It’s like Las Vegas. What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.


Congratulations! You have your first followers!

Now you’ve got to keep your followers energized and inspired. You need to give them a reason to stay while simultaneously making them absolutely terrified to leave.

This is where you paint a really simple picture for them. There are those who get “it.” And those who do not get “it.” Those who do get it are going to save the world. Those who do not are going to destroy it.
Whatever “it” is depends on whatever belief you’re trying to sell. Jesus.

Lutheran. Libertarianism. Conservative. Gluten-free ketogenic intermittent fasting best. Sleeping in caves and using hay as your bed.

It’s not just enough to just tell your followers that non-believers are bad. You must demonize them. You must PERSUADE them that it is of the utmost moral importance that everyone who does not get “it” be stopped, no matter what.

Tell them to look up reviews on the internet and stare them in the eye and ask them “are you going to believe me, your new caveman friend, or the internet?”

You must scare the living shit out of your followers to do this. And sure, maybe you make up a thing or two or three on 9 hundred along the way. But look, it’s worth it. You want to solve all your life problems, right?

It’s not just that vaccines cause early dementia. It’s that the medical and pharmaceutical industries are getting rich by destroying everyone’s family.

There’s no in-between here. There’s no argument. If kind of in, then you’re against us. And in the name of the All empower Bat, those who are against us are doomed to a live a life of self-hatred and will inevitably destroy themselves and the world with them. They must be stopped at all costs.

That means dump your boyfriend, cut off your parents, sell your house and leave your kids in a dumpster somewhere. Come join us in our little cave.


By now you’ve got a nice community gathering knowledge about bullshit you made up, ignoring their friends and telling their families to fuck off.

Congratulations. You’re off to a great start.
But now it’s time to get serious.
The beauty of a cult is that the more you promise people salvation, enlightenment, world peace, a perfect happiness, more money then Donald Trump or whatever, the more they will fail to live up to that promise and blame themselves for it.

And the more they blame themselves for failing to live up to it, the more they’ll do any stupid shit you tell them to do.
Take all the internet marketing, make-money-from-home-in-your-underwear, pyramid scheme shit that’s been going on the past 10 years. Here you’ve got dozens of “gurus” online promising that they can teach you how to make a fortune from the comfort of your own home.

But hey, Ignore the fact that you probably have no skills, no experience, no real motivation, and basically no free time — but fuck it with a website made by wordpress and a few Motivation videos of you saying “Go after your dreams” you’ll have a billionaire lifestyle faster then you can say “anthropomorphize.”
(Note: I wish I could find more situations in my life to use that word.)

So you give it a shot. You give this scumbag some money and then you spend the next three months making a website and guess what, nothing happens.
But whose fault is that? Surely not theirs! After all, they said it was so easy!
So you go find some other cult, and this one apparently made $13 million dollars selling a couple PDFs riddled with typos that were mostly plagiarized. “Surely, THIS guy knows how I can make money,” you say to yourself.

Let’s try out one more Self help guru.

So you sign up for another $5000 course and you put your all into it and they tell you “you’re just not trying hard enough.”

STOP. Time out for a second. Let me be the ass hole; the one to break some bad news to you: I know the analogy of an onion is used in almost every self help post ever so I’m gonna also be that doubly ass hole and use an onion as an analogy.

Human suffering is like an onion. Every time you peel back a layer, there’s more tear-jerking smelly shit underneath. Then you peel back that layer and there’s another one. And then another. And another. On and on.

There are a lot of people out there who make a lot of money claiming they can peel back the last layer of The Suffer Onion for you and you’ll be done with it. But the truth is that there is no last layer. The layers are perpetual- never- ending.

But that’s how all these money sucking Con artist vampires stay in business for so long.

Seriously, if someone could solve all of your problems for you, they’d go out of business next week. And then we’d have a cure for cancer and solve world hunger and cure metabolic disease and wear yellow caps that say “Put a smile on your face, everything is AMAZING!” And also sing Awesome dollar skating music from Now CD records like “Everybodyyyy, yeahhh; ROCK YOUR BODY!! Yeahh”. Backstreet Boys anyone? Don’t lie to me. You know you listened to them too.

Anyways, the only exception to all of this is, of course, The Great Bat. The Great Bat can solve all of your problems. You just have to give me like $5000 or so. That’s okay if you don’t have it right now. Break it up. You can get started as low as 5 dollars today with an added contract of 833 dollars over then next 6 months. No interests fees. Why? Because you rock!

Then when shit hits the fan and you say ” I can’t keep up. I can’t pay anymore.” I’ll show you a sign with the following “INVEST LOVE OF THE GREAT BAT INTO YOUR HEART” (I’ll even scream like that in all caps because I’m just that passionate about you getting better), and then demand you give me another $5000 just for the inconvenience.

Then we’ll become friends again and you’ll fold my laundry, wash my dishes, and go grocery shopping for me. And we’ll go around and around like this until finally one of two things happen:

A) You have an meltdown like Eddie Murphy in Bowfinger repeating the following over and over: “Get it together, get it together, get it together.” I’ll then call this a “breakthrough” and convince you that you’re actually changing the pathways in your brain and becoming closer to the all knowing know.


B) You will eventually lose my trust, take whatever fragile ball of mental health you have in the tank and go home, a broken and emotionally scarred person. With a lot less money in your bank account.

Either way, I win. Or The Great Bat wins… so you believe.

And this is the best part. Now that you’ve got your little following of helpers giving you their money and cutting your grass, you can finally have everything you ever wished for!

Want message? There’s a follower for that. Want your room cleaned?There’s a follower for that. Want a couple of actors for your film? There’s a follower for that. Want a couple of girlfriends or boyfriends; whichever way you want it… There’s a follower for that.

No more loneliness. No more relationship problems. No more financial woes. You can fulfill your wildest dreams. You just have to trample on the hopes and dreams of a few (thousand) other people to get there.

So this is the American Dream, you worked hard for this. Therefore you deserve all of the benefits without any backlash. Besides, if you advertise this bullshit long enough, you’ll start believing it yourself. And that’s all that really matters, right? What you believe.


I’m legit depressed as he’ll know that everything I’ve described in this article so far is not extraordinary or uncommon. It happens everyday. It’s happening right now. It’s simply the power of persuasion.

We’re humans. We all need to buy into belief systems on complete faith. We all need to feel some form of an “us vs them” mentality. We all want to believe that eternal happiness or enlightenment can be achieved in our lifetime. And we all have this unnerving feeling that everything we love and appreciate will one day collapse and be taken from us.

This is normal. But as much as I joke about it, this really is the solution to all of our life’s problems: our faith in the beliefs that define us and bind us to those around us. We rely on these systems of beliefs to get us through the day and to get us through life in one piece. Whether it’s the Big Bad Bat or blind hedonism, but these fundamental beliefs align us and form the basis of all of our life’s values and decisions.

So what do we do?

Get firm with your personal philosophy and stick to it. Being impressionable when you’re in times of depression or desperation can be a serious tumble even further down the dark hole.

I’m not into everyday things but there’s one thing that them an help you a lot to not buy into petty dogmas and be taken advantage of is having the right Heroes.

One of mine is Nietzsche. A man just slightly wiser than me said, “He who has a ‘why’ to live, can bear almost any ‘what.’”


Psychologically speaking, we are inherently self-hating. This is a fact. As children, we all internalize our traumas and disappointments and failures to be wholly representative of our own self-worth. And because we all experience trauma, failure and disappointment, we inevitably grow up feeling somewhat awful about ourselves.

This is a feature of human evolution. (I know I’m living proof of it.)

We are evolved to be miserable, insecure, jealous, judging of others when on the outside it looks as if everyone else’s life is better then your own.

And due to this it’s the mildly miserable and insecure creature who is going to do the most work to innovate and survive.


We are also inherently self-destructive.
Because the easiest way to accommodate the fear of our own unworthiness is to deem ourselves voiceless, unworthy, or not satisfactory to others – the unworthiness of those who look different than us, act different than us and believe different than us.

In all sincerity I wish for you to grasp one thing from reading this. Stick right to your personal philosophy. Take examination of it everyday and if it sounds too good to be true, it’s probably because it fuckin is. I’m not saying miracles don’t happen. We all get incredibly lucky at times. There’s going to be a shining light now that you’ve read this that yes, this is bullshit. I can’t make a million dollars off of scams. And if you do. Then you know what, have fun living with the bitchin guilt that will come along with it.

Comment below and let me know your personal philosophy that keeps you the fuck out of debt.


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